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They tell you Adderall will make you a god, but they never tell you it will cost you your life

For those of us who want to get to the next level, we are always looking for that edge to be better, faster, smarter and stronger.

Our biggest problem may be that we are doing something we don’t want to be doing in the first place or doing something in a way we don’t want to be doing it. My addiction helped me be able to perform in a life I didn’t want to be living in the first place. And maybe you don’t have an addiction, but if you are compromising who you are and what you want in your business, in your marriage, in your life… it will keep you from making it to the next level easily and from reaching your full potential. And what’s the point of reaching that next level if your ladder is completely against the wrong wall?

You have been given dreams and desires – dreams that drive you to be better, faster, stronger, smarter without prescription drugs.

This is my story of going through 10 days of detox in Costa Rica and what I discovered about what the last 5 years have done to my body.

This is an excerpt from my book Addicted: How to Stop Compromising and Be Truly Happy in Your Life

[sc name=”promothinaddicted”]

 

And again, unless my pain and my life had gotten this bad I wouldn’t have ever thought to stop Adderall – especially when I looked over the possible side effects listed on Google, and thought, ‘Yeah, well I’m young, smart, and healthy – that will never happen to me.’

And it didn’t. It was the little things that added up and ate away inside my body like termites slowly destroying my life.

 

Over the past 15 years, I have been into weight lifting, running, and clean eating. My mom died from cancer at only 47 and when I learned that sugar feeds cancer, I cut sugar out of my diet.

Not only that, but I have been a competitive bodybuilder over the last 5 years.

‘Of course, all of the serious symptoms from Adderall would never impact me,’ I thought.

I knew I’d have to quit at some point… but not yet.

 

That was until last year after my 3rd competition. My body locked up. I was doing a lot of lifting and Stairmaster and not a lot of stretching. I was in pain.

All of these were reasons to think it was the competition causing the pain, but in the back of my mind, I knew… ‘This not normal. Other people don’t go through this after a competition. Something’s off.’

A lot went on over the past year and although it was a similar set of problems it wasn’t the same though I am sure they both originated partly from the Adderall. 

So, yes I had pain that wouldn’t allow me to sit and honestly it had been going on intermittently for the last 4 years – almost as long as I took the Adderall.

But with all physical issues, there’s also an emotional element to it. Most of the time we blanket the emotional issues by calling it stress, but stress doesn’t really portray what really needs to be taken care of emotionally because we go through so much in our lives and we just constantly push down our feelings and emotions. Pushing down our feelings creates an energy block in our bodies. Emotions are supposed to move. If we don’t feel them and release them, they stay trapped in our bodies ready to come out when something physically happens to us like a car accident or a bodybuilding competition. Sometimes they just build up and start causing backaches, headaches, digestion issues(anything really) and eventually turn into diseases like cancer.

(I talk about this in my Podcast in episode #5, “How my unhealed trauma caused me physical pain but has probably been my saving grace keeping me from cancer“. You can listen here: http://bit.ly/nicholeshow

 

My issue over the last year was emotional unhealed trauma from my 20s(ex-husband cheating) showing up as abandonment issues(see my Facebook live on this), not stretching, and pushing my body for the last 18 years physically. If you’ve read, Can’t Hurt Me by David Higgins – he ends up pushing his body to the limits because of emotional trauma in his past and it ends up almost killing him.

He had it was worse than I did, and I didn’t push myself that far but pain is fucking pain. It doesn’t matter how bad or ‘not that bad’ it was, your emotional pain is trapped inside your body and the longer it stays in there the more it slowly eats away at your physical body destroying your body and life from the inside out.

 

Over the last year, I was able to do the emotional and physical healing for this issue. In fact, I was able to heal myself in April of this year. And yes, I had to manifest my own healing. As much as I wanted to heal and as much as I did the work and went to specialists, I still wasn’t healing. At the end of the day, I still had to decide I was going to take responsibility for my healing and I had to decide to heal myself and when I did THAT, I healed within a week.

 

Day 6 Wednesday

Today I woke up and my body felt mostly good.

It seems like I have odd pain in my hands and feet that have been pretty consistent. Those hurt today. My feet have been worse than my hands and after a quick Google search, I see it’s from the lack of circulation because Adderall constricts the blood vessels.

Again this is new over the past week. I’m guessing my body is just done with this shit. 

I also have pain in my right side from the kidney down to my psoas muscle, across the front of my hip to my groin. Some of that pain is not new. I’ve been stretching my psoas for my side, but the pain across the front of my hip toward my groin is new. 

I know that some pain will be from the effects of the Adderall and some will be from the withdrawal, but I also know my body is capable and wants to heal itself if I allow it.

Withdrawal can take from 3-10 days which is perfect for this trip because my trip is ten days!

But depending on how long you’ve been taking it, withdrawal symptoms can be up to 6 months. 

I believe I did the best thing by getting off Adderall while on this trip. I’m literally forced out of my habits and routines, forced into a new diet and given a beautiful and exciting environment so that I am supported mentally and emotionally. 

Because if I think about being at home, I feel the fight in my head. I feel the urge to take some. I feel like I need it to work out which is the thing that really benefits from Adderall is I can really bring it. But again, I don’t need it, but I do need to mentally rehearse what will happen when I get home. There’s no way I’m going back to Adderall. No way. And so I need to visualize it until I don’t feel a fight inside of me and I know exactly what to do when I get home. 

Easy peasy. Just prep for it. 

 

Today we hiked up some hills, through some jungles, up a tree, through a river, to our favorite restaurant. 

I could feel my feet and my side hurting. My body has made so much progress and I’m excited that this is what’s left.

Mentally I feel sharp again, and  I’m not working that much but when I do I feel sharp.

 

Day 7 Thursday

My friends left this morning at 6 and I caught the morning shuttle to la playa, the beach, at 9.

 

I still have pain. It’s not terrible. I think I’m going to see how I do without using the hemp cream. It’s good to check-in to see where you’re at, otherwise, you might keep doing something you don’t need to do and it may cause other issues down the line.

 

I think back over the last year and even several years, and I was constantly icing and heating my legs. Right now, at my house, I have four large ice packs that I was using to cover my entire legs. I would use two heating pads on my upper body to keep me warm and just work underneath the heat and ice. 

Yeah, I know the 15-minute rule, but when you are living with pain day in and day out -fuck it! You’ll sleep under those bitches. 

You do what it takes to stay married to your addictions all the while saying it’s not that bad.

In the last six months, I had even noticed my vision getting blurry a lot and it was hard to see small text. I knew that was the Adderall. I had 20/20 all my life and…you just know. Already 7 days off and I’ve had no vision problems.

I was also stretching every day. I couldn’t function without stretching. Not stretching, would start the pain and that pain would become a downward spiral to more pain and right into the belly of depression.

But since I’ve been traveling I haven’t stretched since the second day. I haven’t felt the need.

Looking back I see how this consumed my entire life. “The edge” I thought it was giving me wasn’t worth the hours and hours a day I spent trying to manage the pain so I could keep taking the drug.

Damn.

Just because you’re breathing don’t mean you’re alive.

 

Day 8 Friday

Today I finally didn’t have pain in my hands and feet! Yes! 

Total win for me. 

 

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of pounding rain and today I woke up to the sound of waves crashing. 

 

I spent the day walking through the town and through the jungles.

I got some food at a restaurant on the beach and relaxed. With the beach waves in front of me, fireflies up over my head and a beach bonfire to my right, everything was perfect.

Day 9 Saturday

I woke up with sore legs- sore from walking all day though. This was progress. 

I spent the morning reading and resting and in the afternoon I went with a friend to the waterfalls.

Thinking back over the past four years I lived in isolation more and more. Things I used to love doing I stopped. I stopped doing most things that challenged my body – except for bodybuilding. I quit going out with friends. I quit being social. I quit my hobbies except for bodybuilding. I basically narrowed my life down to staying at home and going to the gym because everything revolved around making sure I wasn’t in a situation where I was going to have to sit. Everything revolved around me icing, heating, and stretching.

 

And I fought it. Emotionally and physically I fought it. I was a happy person living in an unhappy life. And when you’re happy person it’s hard to admit that you’re unhappy even though your world may be crashing down around you.

 

That’s the thing with achievers. We can handle it until we can’t.

We think it’s not that bad but honestly, if we are saying it’s not that bad – it should be a red flag that we are trying to convince ourselves to live a life we weren’t supposed to live in the first place.

 

I almost didn’t book this trip because of my legs. There were several times I almost decided not to come even though my ticket was non-refundable. 

 

Our pain and addictions – to whatever has gone on in our lives – keep us from living our lives and being our true selves.

 

Day 10 Sunday

Today I woke up with some leg pain.

I walked down to the beach to see it one more time before I left.

Nine am I got the five-hour bus to San Jose and my legs were bothering me again. I was able to stand up and do a little bit of stretching and it made the pain disappear for about forty-five minutes before I had to stretch again. So it’s definitely a huge improvement but I definitely wanted to cry at one point from the pain.

 

Day 12 Tuesday

I am ALIVE! I feel alive from my soul for the first time in ages. I feel excited and full of life! I can’t tell you how much I have tried and pushed and done all the things – Adderall, caffeine, meditation, yoga, schedules, read books, listened to music, went out dancing, vacations – NOTHING has worked. Nothing has made me feel more alive than I feel today and this is twofold – 

One: I quit Adderall and I’m through the worst of it

Two: I am doing work that my soul wants me to do! I am writing this book! 

 

Nothing outside of yourself will make you happy and make you feel alive – 

Not even doing your purpose work in the world, 

Not even helping people radically change their lives and marriages, 

Not even having the most amazing clients in the world, 

Not even finding your soulmate future husband, 

Not even living your dream,

 

But… you need all of these things to add to your happiness, because it’s in giving yourself these things, that makes you happy.

 

And in allowing yourself to have these things, you are creating a deep, trusting relationship with yourself.

 

It needs to come from inside of you – you know this shit, but imagine… for a moment… feel into it… 

YOU

CAN 

HAVE 

YOUR 

DREAM

LIFE

WITHOUT 

THE 

COMPROMISE.

Our desires are given to us for a reason but somewhere along the way we’ve bought into ‘being responsible’ and ‘our dreams aren’t realistic’. And yes. We need to be responsible, but that doesn’t mean self-sacrifice and depriving ourselves of what we want. And no, our dreams aren’t realistic, but that’s why they are dreams – we need to create them. We were born creators. That’s who we are and unless we are creating in one way or another, I believe we are suppressing our souls. We are suppressing who we fundamentally are.

When I was on Adderall, the pills took over. I crashed. I would try to fight it, but eventually, I realized it was useless.

For those of us who want to get to the next level, we are always looking for that edge to be better, faster, smarter and stronger.

Our biggest problem may be that we are doing something we don’t want to be doing in the first place or doing something in a way we don’t want to be doing it. My addiction helped me be able to perform in a life I didn’t want to be living in the first place. And maybe you don’t have an addiction, but if you are compromising who you are and what you want in your business, in your marriage, in your life… it will keep you from making it to the next level easily and from reaching your full potential. And what’s the point of reaching that next level if your ladder is completely against the wrong wall?

You have been given dreams and desires – dreams that drive you to be better, faster, stronger, smarter without prescription drugs.

This is my story of going through 10 days of detox in Costa Rica and what I discovered about what the last 5 years have done to my body.

This is an excerpt from my book Addicted: How to Stop Compromising and Be Truly Happy in Your Life

[sc name=”promothinaddicted”]

Day 4 Monday

I’m trying to get some work done in the hostel but my energy is plummeting. I could say it’s the Costa Rican heat or the fact that I haven’t had caffeine(I’m not taking caffeine either. This wasn’t a conscious choice but I was too focused on the Adderall that I just didn’t think about caffeine) but really I know it’s the Adderall crash I am so accustomed to.

Over the last year the highs and lows… aka crashes have gotten really bad.

When I take Adderall I get this restless pacing energy where I can’t really do anything but maybe clean or workout for hours. I have to move until the initial hit wears down so I can sit down and work and usually that’s at night. Somewhere between 7 and 10, the Adderall wears off and I can actually focus.

 

I fought through the crash by just realizing that it was the Adderall and I observed that it just wanted to send me back through my old cycles and I choose to keep writing. This crash is not me. It’s not what my body wants. It’s a pattern and habit that I need to break. I let the feeling pass and kept going.

 

When I was on Adderall, the pills took over. I crashed. I would try to fight it, but eventually, I realized it was useless. Even if I ‘fought it’ with more Adderall or caffeine, it would just make me pace my house like a caged animal – unable to sit down and focus, unable to relax, unable to essentially function. Though when It’s happening you only are only really aware of this subconsciously(or maybe you just don’t want to believe). Consciously you think you just need balance and just try to stay balanced. You also blame all these things on not sleeping which you blame on stress or hormones. Or you blame it on your period or anything else that it could possibly be OTHER than Adderall. 

Adderall came to save you. 

It couldn’t possibly be Adderall.

 

My friends from the night before woke up around 10 and we were on our way. We spent the afternoon in the hot springs. Letting the warm water rush over my body in the jungle was one of the most healing experiences I could have ever hoped for. I was still feeling some inflammation in my feet, but not much. I just knew I shouldn’t walk far with the inflammation.

After the hot springs, we went back to the hostel and had the most epic home-cooked meal. (I’m avoiding eating out because it’s giving me inflammation and an upset stomach no matter how healthy I try to eat. I’m also avoiding dairy because dairy causes inflammation.)

I can always tell if an area of my body is inflamed. I can feel a slight pain in the area and a small pulsing. Now I am using hemp cream from Amazon and I just put the cream on the spot. Then I can feel the inflammation move over to another area in my body just outside of the spot I put the cream on. The thing is, if I was still taking Adderall, the cream wouldn’t be a fix. It would just sort of work intermittently, but since I am detoxing the area I am having pain and inflammation has gotten smaller. It was from just under my chest all the way down to my feet. Now it’s just my feet for the most part. Sometimes my upper legs. 

Here’s the thing. I don’t think I could have really seen what Adderall was doing to me unless it had gotten that bad. I didn’t want to believe that Adderall was causing the symptoms I was having but going from debilitating pain where I couldn’t sleep, study, work, drive, go out with friends(because I was in pain when driving and pain if I was to sit down) AND having my life consumed 24/7 with therapy – I was always icing, heating, stretching, taking pain meds, getting massages, seeing doctors, seeing a physical therapist, seeing energy healers… to applying the cream on my feet occasionally was truly freeing.

Sometimes you can’t see grey until it turns black and you put it up against white.

 

Some of the girls in the hostel invited us to a pool across the street and I was tempted to just head to bed early but knew this was the last night we were going to be together. (even though I met them that day we had already bonded as travelers do) So we went as a big group and the pool was so amazing. It was enclosed in a hostel with jungle plants all over and hammocks. The pool was right up against the bar so you can sit in the pool on the barstools to order drinks. I only drink maybe once or twice a year and decided this was the perfect place to have a drink. It was such a perfect atmosphere and I was with 5 amazing new friends so why not. We stayed late at the pool and then went and hung out back at the hostel.

Nichole Carlson, Addiction the book, Adderall

Everything you want is already available to you. This is a concept in quantum physics which is the scientific version (more or less) of manifesting. We live in a world of abundance. Everything that comes from our desires (from our heart) is available to us right now. Most of the time we are blocking it in some way. You don’t need to do something you don’t want to do to get what you want. My way of thinking in my 20s was that I have to compromise to get what I want… which allowed the mindset that I needed to do things that were against the integrity of my soul to get and keep what I wanted. 

For example, I married a man that I didn’t trust because he had cheated on me and I thought I had to ‘do the right thing’ and ‘forgive and forget’. And I thought that meant that I ‘should’ just keep going in the relationship because that’s what forgiving is and ‘marriage is hard’. I continued with the beliefs that mentally cornered me into a life I didn’t want to live. I chose a career I hated because you ‘have to make money’. And so I found myself miserable and feeling trapped because I was trying to do the right thing.

When you realize that everything you desire is available to you and wants to come to you, you stop trying to do things you don’t want to do to get what you want. 

And when you realize that trying to make everyone else happy is keeping you from living the life you are supposed to be living as your true self, then you find that you need to actually pursue the dreams and desires you have.

[sc name=”promothickaddicted”]

The side effects of Adderall

For those of us who want to get to the next level, we are always looking for that edge to be better, faster, smarter and stronger.

Our biggest problem may be that we are doing something we don’t want to be doing in the first place or doing something in a way we don’t want to be doing it. My addiction helped me be able to perform in a life I didn’t want to be living in the first place. And maybe you don’t have an addiction, but if you are compromising who you are and what you want in your business, in your marriage, in your life… it will keep you from making it to the next level easily and from reaching your full potential. And what’s the point of reaching that next level if your ladder is completely against the wrong wall?

You have been given dreams and desires – dreams that drive you to be better, faster, stronger, smarter without prescription drugs.

This is my story of going through 10 days of detox in Costa Rica and what I discovered about what the last 5 years have done to my body.

This is an excerpt from my book Addicted: How to Stop Compromising and Be Truly Happy in Your Life

[sc name=”promothinaddicted”]

Day 1 Friday

My flight was canceled yesterday because I was supposed to fly from Austin with a layover in Houston before heading down to Costa Rica but Houston was flooded so I had to rebook to flight through New York. My travel time went from 5 hours to 10 hours. 

Here’s the thing… the idea of sitting for even 15 minutes scares me. The idea of traveling for five hours already put me off. The idea of ten hours of sitting and traveling… uhhhhh….

I made it though. I paced the aisles on the planes and brought my hemp cream. All good. 

When I got into CR and I felt a massive release throughout my body. Traveling puts me at ease. It makes me feel like anything is possible. It breaks my habits and limiting beliefs. Growing up an army brat, traveling was in my blood and at 42 I knew I wouldn’t grow out of it.

I took in the Spanish words I saw in the airport letting my mind adjust and I stopped before entering the bathroom to make sure. 

Oh. 

It’s a photo. 

I think I’ve got this. 

 

Day 2 Saturday

I got in the hostel the night before and today was day 2 off of Adderall. I didn’t feel like I needed it so I didn’t take it. I just let my body rest. 

I met a girl from Germany and we walked around town eating at restaurants and cafes, enjoying the city, and chatting. 

It hurt to walk, but sitting was ok. 

I got back to my hostel and started Googling. I was going to figure this out. I texted my friend who’s a health nut. She talked about how I’m probably dehydrated from the Adderall and I should drink more water. That led me to start thinking… “Maybe this Adderall thing was a bigger issue than I wanted to believe.” I decided I was going to quit and see what happens. 

This was my turning point.

 

Day 3 Sunday

I’m using less and less of the hemp cream, but I am feeling massive inflammation in my feet. I can feel they need stretching or a massage as well. The tightness is keeping my feet from stepping flatly on the ground and I know that if I were to do something like run on them, I would be in massive pain from the joints being out of place. 

Today was a huge win for me. I was able to sit on the bus for 5 hours to go from San Jose to La Fortuna with only mild aches and pains but I don’t think I was much more uncomfortable than the girl sitting next to me. 

After I got to the city, La Fortuna, I went to a cafe to get something to eat and was able to sit without a problem. It feels good to be able to be out and function again. I feel like I’ve been avoiding going out and social situations for years because of the pain of sitting – to drive, to sit at a place, to move. 

After arriving at the hostel, I made some friends and spent the evening playing cards and laughing.

 

I was pretty freaked out though. The game we were playing, Avocado, required me to remember up to 6 or so cards and I had a really hard time remembering 1 or 2 cards. I was really focused and straining to remember what cards I had seen and I just realized that the Adderall had taken my memory.

I have decided that it’s just the withdrawal effects and that THIS WILL NOT BE LONG TERM. I will do whatever it takes to bring back and even improve my memory to better than what it was before. 

[sc name=”promothickaddicted”]

I found Adderall. It was like magic. I was able to focus and I had energy again until it started killing me.

Only you can save yourself. It’s not about being independent, stubborn, or not trusting anyone to help you, but it’s about taking responsibility for where you are right now and deciding you are going to do whatever it takes to overcome whatever it is you are facing. That doesn’t mean you shun support though. Get support when you need it but know their job is to support you and your job is to take leadership of your life. 

 

My boyfriend hugged me before he left my place. 

I looked at him. “I want to get off Adderall.” Although I said it, I was really asking for his opinion. 

“But don’t you need it because you are really ADD?” he asked. 

“No,” I thought to myself. I have convinced myself I need it because I wanted to make myself do something I hated – software engineering – and I just keep coming up with reasons I still ‘need it’.

 

The stubborn part of me kicked in as I thought, “oh yeah. I don’t need Adderall.”

And the other part of me thought, “Maybe I should just cut back.”

 

I had been at war inside myself over this since I not long after I started Adderall. On. Off. No, just cut back. Back and forth. The constant fighting in my head was driving me crazy. It sucks being on the fence. 

 

“Why was I in my head about this?” you ask.

Because I knew that Adderall was impacting me negativity but after researching and researching, I could never really determine that what I was experiencing was from the Adderall and even if it was, couldn’t I just manage the effects by setting a schedule and other minor life tweaks? After all, this drug was supposed to help me. The benefits were so worth anything I had to endure… or were they? 

Now, I never wanted to be on Adderall, in fact, there were so many times I researched the effects of Adderall so that I could have enough reasons to quit but everything was so general. It seemed like the list of effects went from something like, “it will make you a god” to “it might kill you” and since I considered myself the epitome of good health, I knew I wouldn’t be one of the ones it would kill. But it was slowly, quietly taking my life away from me bit by bit.

[sc name=”promothinaddicted”]

Everything we do, we do for a reason.

Including our “addictions”.

I believe that if we want to change a behavior, we need emotional reasons that convince us to give up our addictions.

I don’t believe that at the core we are addicted to most things. Yes, we might go through a withdrawal period and yes it might be hard as fuck to get off whatever it is, but at the end of the day, we DO get to choose. We just have to associate more pain to not changing and more pleasure to changing.

 

And really…

My addiction helped me be able to perform in a life I didn’t want to be living in the first place.

And this was the remainder of my old life that I still needed (and wanted) to change. I didn’t need to take Adderall, I needed to believe in myself enough to take the leap, which was going to have to happen anyway so why not skip the part where you are doing shit you hate. You’ll never be ‘ready’ to take the leap, you just need to do it.

 

If you are in that place…

Why not just live the life you want to live?

 

This is my story.

 

Five years ago in a small town called Austin, I was a software engineer.

My career was the remaining parts of the life I hated from my 20’s when I married a man I didn’t trust and was doing work that drained the soul out of me.

Now I was in my late 30s and it was so hard to make myself show up for work every day. I mean my body was there, but my mind and soul were not.

I knew I couldn’t keep living like this but I needed to get through this to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. Uhhhh… Probably the worst feeling in the world.

 

And then… I found Adderall. 

It was like magic. I was able to focus and I had energy again. 

 

But looking back on it now, the truth was, it didn’t make me much better. It just numbed the pain of being in a career I hated. 

Well, obviously it didn’t make me better because I got laid off from that job too.

(Laid off is the nice way a company fires you when you are a software engineer and I have probably been laid off 7-8 times in my life- not because I couldn’t do my job but because I hated software and that made me bad at my job.)

 

Fast forward to today…

I’m living my dream. I started my coaching business helping people in their lives, relationships, and businesses. I am technically location Independent if I choose and travel 2 to 3 times a year. I just manifested my future husband, someone who I fell in love with last year and whom I deeply trust and admire. And in my spare time, I compete in bodybuilding competitions and hang out with my friends and family.

But all achievers have something from the past they still carry with them – past pain, old beliefs, old habits… something that cripples them and keeps them from hitting that next level. The thing is… it worked for us in the past. At one point we needed to do something because of something in our past and we don’t want to see that it’s hurting us or keeping us from our next level. 

THIS was what happened to me and it was slowly killing me from the inside out.

I booked a trip to Costa Rica a while back but little did I know what this trip would really be about and that I would be writing on this book.

A few days leading up to my trip, I had been contemplating getting off of Adderall. I felt dead inside. I had felt this way for a long time and I had done the things of changing little things like setting a schedule to take my Adderall, setting a time to go to bed, doing meditation, and other random things to also doing an entire life overhaul. I wasn’t feeling excited about anything and it was hard to get enough desire to show up in my business. It was as if I was burnt out and I could just walk away. But the thing is, I love my business and there’s nothing I would rather do. 

The worse thing is, I told myself in my 20s that I was never going to feel like this and live like this again. And here I was back living a life (emotionally) I didn’t want to live. On the outside everything was perfect but on the inside but very little excited me.

I also got tired of taking the pills to function. 

To get up in the morning, 

To be able to focus. 

To go workout. 

And then pills to combat the headaches and body aches. 

And then pills to sleep every night. 

Every time I took pills for anything I would just think, “I can’t keep living like this” 

But the truth was… I wasn’t living. 

I was just a hollow shell walking around. 

I felt no excitement. 

I had to work really hard to focus on being happy and grateful, which is always a great practice but… it was more like I had to jump-start my heart to be able to feel and that’s not me. 

I didn’t even really feel depressed but talking to my friends, it sounded like I was depressed. 

Yeah… 

It was time to do something. 

I was going to cut back. 

I took 5mg 2 days prior to my trip and 1 day before my trip. (My prescription is for 40mg a day, which I usually “only” take 10-20mg of each day)

 

I packed 6 pills which would allow me to take 10mg a day if needed.

 

[sc name=”promothickaddicted”]

[NEW PODCAST EPISODE] #34: How to build more desire so you can manifest what you want

#34: How to build more desire so you can manifest what you want

How to build more desire so you can manifest what you want. It’s not enough to want something ->> you need DESIRE!

It’s actually the first step to manifest ANYTHING, but if you’ve been struggling for a while it’s hard to get the energy to want something beyond ‘I just want to stop hurting’.

Listen here->> http://bit.ly/nicholeshow

[NEW PODCAST EPISODE] 33: Breaking the Nostalgia of not having money

Breaking the Nostalgia of not having money.

What? The nostalgia of not having money? Well because my dad was in the Army we moved a lot so it was easier not to have a lot. Less to pack. Less to move. Less to clean. Easier.

Growing up we didn’t have a lot. I was taught not to need a lot.

And while it makes sense and worked well for us back then, this has impacted the way I handle and interact with money and this is not the way I want to live.

I’m not saying I want to be wasteful, but I want to LIVE and expand and money is a part of that.

I do have fond memories of my childhood and I didn’t realize back then that we were really struggling, but it’s time to make some new choices.

Listen here->> http://bit.ly/nicholeshow

When you’ve learned from the last relationship and this time you’ll pick someone ‘safe’…

When you’ve learned from the last relationship and this time you’ll pick someone ‘safe’… You will STILL 

Have

the

Same 

Problem.

Maybe a slightly different flavor, but you are guaranteed the same problem.

Almost 20 years the problem followed me through my marriage, into my next two relationships.

Abandonment…

Neglect…

Feeling alone…

Work was more important than me…

Feeling like something was wrong with me…

Frustrated…

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Feeling like I needed to do more, be more, change something about me… 

And so I did. 

I tried keeping my mouth shut (and ‘being nice’ – I don’t do that anymore)

I tried saying something…

I tried being direct…

I tried being indirect…

I tried counseling, books, audios, I tried it all… I even tried divorce and a new relationship.

THAT didn’t even work. 

WTF does a girl got to do to get attention around here?!

And where is my soulmate?

Oh. 

I hadn’t tried it all.

I hadn’t tried the thing that would work.

Deciding that I was DONE with the problem and then deciding that I was all-in on the relationship.

And it’s true… 

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up, went to counseling to fix the problem and we FIXED it. We got the love, trust, and intimacy and in the end… He left. He moved to Germany for a job. (still love him, he’s an amazing man, so much respect)

But it wasn’t about him. It was never about him. It was about FIXING THE PROBLEM. 

And we did.

And after he left, I continued to work on myself to fix the problem.

So after 20 years of CHOOSING to keep this problem, I finally decided to be done with it,

Did the work and May 31st I manifested my future husband.

And…

did you know…

that when you manifest…

it doesn’t take time?

It works instantly.

But to get to the point where I could manifest, that took some work. (well, I was always manifesting but not what I consciously wanted – we all are)

May 31st I wrote one line in my journal and 4 days later he was in my living room talking about moving with me wherever I wanted to go (which was really weird cos I also manifested we would move to Hawaii, but HE had no idea of that when he was talking about moving with me at the time)

I spent years and years thinking I was close,

thinking it was right around the corner,

thinking this next thing, this next guy will work, 

thinking I would be smarter this time…

Nah.

I was pretty much bullshitting myself. 

I was pretty much just deciding to keep my problem and thrashing around trying to solve it and wasting years and years of my life.

If you want to finally have complete confidence in your relationship, If you want to stop feeling abandoned, neglected, drained, frustrated, stop second-guessing yourself, feeling like you are not enough…

And you want to feel so confident in your relationship, If you want to know this is going to work, if you want to feel loved, if you want to feel like the King or Queen you are, if you want to finally start getting what your heart wants and needs!!!!! and if you are ready to DECIDE that you ARE going to have the life and the love you crave – 

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Wow. I’m the girl that used to trigger me…

Wow. I’m the girl that used to trigger me…

The girl that shows up so confident with the hair and makeup…

I mean, who the f does she think she is? 

Why does she keep going on and on?

Who needs to talk that much? 

Just her presence would trigger me and I would just shut her out in my head

I don’t need all those fancy things… the hair, the makeup…

And I would intentionally avoid them… the women and doing my hair and makeup 

Because somewhere ‘those women’ rejected me, 

But really it was about my own insecurities and feelings of not-enough-ness…

And then I decided one day to stop living a life I hated, being married to a man that I didn’t trust and in a career I hated… and go figure out who I was and what I wanted…

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And it was when I decided to LET myself be me, I allowed in all the things I had fought so hard not to become and not to have…

I don’t like that…

I don’t really need that…

It’s too much work and too much time…

Who has the energy for that…

But in figuring out who I was, I figured out I had a story of healing that needed to be shared… that would change lives, save lives and marriages, give people financial freedom to be able to be with their families and make people happy…

I had a message that the world needed to hear, but as long as I was suppressing who I was and what I wanted… I was also suppressing my message and my mission…

And so I am choosing to be fully me, to allow myself to have and do the things that make me happy so that I can bring more out into the world as a leader and creator.

Because honestly, in my heart I want you to have an amazing life, be in love with yourself, your partner and live a life of joy.

And so as we work so hard to avoid ‘being that person’, what does that really mean? How are we defining that person? And is it just telling us that something inside of us needs to be healed?

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You end a bad relationship and then IN THE NEXT relationship you overcorrect by finding someone safe. THIS doesn’t work. 

You end a bad relationship and then IN THE NEXT relationship you overcorrect by finding someone safe. THIS doesn’t work. 

You WILL end up with the same problem. 

You know why? 

Because you decided out of fear… 

And maybe you won’t have that exact problem, but you will feel neglected, alone and abandoned.

You will feel like you can’t do enough and feel unappreciated.

Cos the problems FOLLOW YOU.

You cannot solve your problem by ending the relationship. 

You also cannot solve your problem by buying a one-way ticket to Spain. 

Yeah, everyone looked at me when I did that and called me a runner but that’s NO DIFFERENT than the way that’s acceptable to society, break up, divorce, move on… 

Running is running.

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But what I DID do, was take time for myself, take time to be alone and figure out who I was and what I wanted.

And my path was different because it was supposed to be different.

And now… now that I’m with my Future Husband… I get it. I get why my path was so windy… because I needed to be able to tell you…

That you don’t’ have to take 20 years to figure it out…

That you don’t have to settle…

That you don’t have to be in a relationship you are unhappy in…

And that when you do the work… the REAL work… 

It happens… In a moment… it happens…

I wrote one line in my journal on May 31st. 

I manifested my future husband.

We are planning our lives together.

 

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