I’ve been pain-free for 4 weeks, and before that, I had chronic pain in my legs for 6 months
The training I did for my competition just brought out the pain
It’s emotional pain
It’s been there for over 10 years
I did it
To myself
Yeah I went through trauma
When my dad left and my mom got cancer and died (which has been my secret fear since then)
It was pretty traumatic
I didn’t think anything of it at the time
I thought I handled it well
But that all coincided with the timing of my now ex-husband cheating on me
It all just pointed to ‘I’m not good enough’
I have to make sure I don’t fuck up
I have to be perfect
I have to accept what’s available because being with someone who doesn’t cheat… That’s not realistic.
You need to forgive.
You need to be grateful and see the upside.
And you can’t trust your desires… your desire to have the love you crave, the desire to be in a relationship with someone you trust, the desire to be in a passionate relationship…
So I ran
I ran to stay fit
I ran to stay perfect
I ran to let out my anger, my pain, my resentment
Every day I woke up angry
It was burning inside me
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But I made my bed
I married that man who cheated on me
I “forgave” (which really meant I just shut the fuck up about what I wanted)
And I burned with anger… because he kept neglecting me, he kept leaving me every night when I went to bed and he stayed up working, he kept me last on his list…
But his words, I love you, you are everything, I couldn’t live without you….
I clung to them like they were drops of water in the desert… And they WERE!
I was living without the love I was craving and setting for the facade of love cloaked with a house… a career… a marriage…. “security” – everything that WASN’T the thing I wanted, the thing I needed
All A lie.
Obviously
It was all like grains of sand in my hand…
I had to be so careful not to move,
Not to be too much,
Not to say or do the wrong thing…
I was desperate to hold it all together…
Until I couldn’t…
I reached a tipping point…
And all I did was open my hand…
And a light breeze…
That’s all it took…
And all the ‘security’…
All of the grains of sand…
Gone…
Just…
Completely gone…
Like it was never there…
And the last 6 months…
The pain came full on after quietly sitting inside my body for over 10 years…
I couldn’t sit…
I would avoid anything where I would have to sit…
Avoid going out…
Avoid the chairs in my dining room…
Avoid doing Facebook lives sitting down (that’s why I’m always laying on the floor)
I couldn’t drive without pain…
And yes I did physical therapy every single day…
For at least an hour…
There were sessions with my PT that I would just cry…
Every day I woke up in pain…
My therapy made it more painful…
But not doing my therapy made it wayyyy more painful so I always did it…
And the pain in my legs made me address the cause…
The emotions…
The running I did to escape the trauma…
My dad, my ex-husband, the cheating…
But bigger than that…
FORGIVING MYSELF FOR ABANDONING MYSELF IN MY DARKEST HOUR…
FOR TURNING MY BACK ON ME…
FOR PUTTING ME INTO A MARRIAGE WHERE I DIDN’T TRUST THE MAN I WAS WITH…
FOR SAYING TO MYSELF, ‘NO, YOU DON’T DESERVE MORE THAN THIS’
So yes, these last 6 months have been hard for me as fuck,
But I believe that because I paid attention to my emotional healing,
this pain was my saving grace from my body telling me through a stronger message like cancer
This message is for you.
You have been through pain
You have been through trauma
Maybe you thought it wasn’t that bad or that you handled it well…
But it’s coming up as
Depression
Anxiety
Energy drains
Obesity
Back pain
Headaches
Heath issues
Divorce
Relationship problems following you through multiple relationships
Sabotage
Binge eating
And I’m not saying that just because you have one of the things I listed above, that there’s something you need to heal from, but what I am saying is your body is capable of sending you messages from your soul…
And your body is capable of healing itself…
And your sabotage may be connected to a message that you need to take care of something that’s not being addressed in your life…
Just sit and listen to your body…
Maybe all it needs is to KNOW you are finally listening so that it can start the healing.
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