My Perfect, Yet Soul-Crushing Life

Over the last year, I worked out my relationship issues – both with my ex-boyfriend and healing from the scares of the past. I trained for 9 months to compete in a bodybuilding competition, put on 5 pounds of muscle and won 1st, 1st, and 3rd. And I totally pulled my business out of a hole and revamped the entire thing.

I was thinking about all that I had accomplished over the last year in my business, in my relationship and with my fitness and because I had done so much in such a short period of time and under so much pressure, I created a foundation of what I really needed to have in order to radically change my life.

 

But to stop there would really be a disservice to you because, for almost 40 years, I was average.

 

I lived average.

I felt average.

 

Growing up, my dad was in the Army so we traveled the world, but there were years that we didn’t have enough to buy food. In school, I struggled to find hobbies. I hated sports. I really had no idea what I wanted or what I liked. I felt lost. And I remember being depressed a lot. Usually in the fall. Usually, because I didn’t have friends at different times. Moving made it hard to keep friends and to build those deep relationships.

 

I married a man I didn’t trust because he had cheated on me the first year we were together and in a career, I hated because of the money – it was safe.

On the outside my life was white-picked-fence-perfect.

But fuck. I HATED it.

I just felt the life force draining out of me every day and I would walk around with my head down and my earplugs in.

I’d go hide in the bathroom at work and have anxiety attacks.

 

BUT I WAS STUCK. I TALKED ABOUT LEAVING FOR YEARS! 

I didn’t trust myself enough to leave.

I told myself that I was afraid of making the wrong decision, but I was really afraid of being alone and if I would ever be loved again. 

 

My mom got diagnosed with cancer at the age of 47 and didn’t live to see 48.

 

Nothing makes you start being honest with yourself like facing death.

I already had this constant feeling of being choked to death by the fear of getting older, the fear time running out, the fear of missing out on life…

And there was a heavy weight on my chest.

Anguish.

It was telling me my soul was being crushed.

Living the same day of desperation was slowly killing me from the inside out.

My anxiety got worse every day.

I was afraid of losing all that I had worked for to nothing – a void – inside and out. I still had no dreams, desires, goals ambitions, visions, clue… nothing.

I just felt an empty soul-crushing void.

Too many people are living like this. 

Too many people are quietly suffering in silence.

Too many people are NOT OKAY, but keep saying, “It’s not that bad.”

And they feel like they are being ungrateful if they ask for help.

And then too many people are dealing with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts…

My journey was really about coming out of living a “perfect life” that was crushing my soul to creating a life that lights up my soul. Beyond that, the trophies and the money don’t matter because if you aren’t happy –

Nothing you achieve, no relationship, no career, no amount of money – will take away that pain. 

And then… we think we have no choice. We feel trapped. This is our pain and the thing we have to suffer with – or we find a way out like I did where I destroyed everything in my life or we find another worse way.

BUT YOU AREN’T TRAPPED.

This pain you are in is trying to move you from where you are to where you need to go (Annoying, I KNOW!) But the pain is trying to tell you to MOVE. 

But here’s where the problem lies… when we are in pain, we shut down, hide and push harder. 

We punish ourselves for not being good enough, instead of moving out of the pain. 

But no one teaches us this. No one teaches us how to move out of that depression, anxiety. We are taught to shut it down and keep going. 

 

But you can have what you want. 

You can show up as a leader in your industry, get your message out into the world and impact lives in a way that gives you purpose and meaning. 

You can grow your business, make more money, charge higher rates, work with clients you love and be able to thrive in your calling. 

You can have a passionate relationship you are excited to go home to. 

You can feel good in your body and have peace of mind. 

And you can have a life you love and makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning. 

And not only can you have these things – You deserve these things!

 

 

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