Nichole Carlson

All I wanted was his love

?All I wanted was his love…
?All I wanted was for him to tell me how proud he was of me…
And by the time we stopped talking, all I wanted was for him to say he was sorry…?

 

But he was in the military so he was always ‘in the field’ or overseas.
I do remember him being around.
But I remember him gone a lot too. 

 

After I grew up and moved out, my brother came to our apartment (mine and my now ex-husband) to tell me dad was leaving my mom. ?
It just seemed to get worse after that.
Everything he did added to my list of reasons to hate him.
And I did.
I was angry for 6 years. ?

For 6 years I literally ran in anger creating pain in my feet.
There were days I was in so much pain I was crying because that I couldn’t walk – and that meant I couldn’t run.
But I still ran those days.
I was punishing myself for not being good enough.?

 

I finally realized how much pain I was in and I called to meet up with him.
We sat in a restaurant and cried as I read my 3 handwritten pages front and back.
“Nic, I’m so sorry…”
We started over.

After my divorce, I remember bragging to him about all the things I was doing, how I went to Machu Picchu, how I was traveling on my own, but nothing seemed to phase him.
But honestly, how do you impress an ex-spy? a paratrooper who lives for excitement and has done all-the-things?

Finally, I told him.
I just want you to be proud of me and I never feel like you are.
“Nic, I’ve always been proud of you. You should know that.”
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It was about a month ago that I was talking to my high school friend and mentioned my dad…
“Aw! I’m so glad you guys are talking again! I was so sad you stopped talking to him because in high school I was so jealous of y’alls relationship.
You were always daddy’s little girl. I could tell he loved you so much!”

It’s weird that 25 years later, my friend pointed out something I never saw but had been true the whole time. 

 

? I just needed to love myself (stop running in pain and seeking outside approval)
? Be proud of myself (had to love myself to be proud)
? and forgive myself (for putting myself through the rage and pain)
? before I could actually receive the love from my dad that had always been there.

 

We think our relationships are out of our control but we don’t take responsibility for the inner work we have to do. He may have ‘been wrong’ but ultimately our relationship was a reflection of the work I needed to do inside of me.

 

I don’t know where you are with your family, or who has hurt you, but I do know we can continue to live in that pain or we can choose to heal from it. I’m not saying it justifies anything that was done to you, but you deserve love and to be accepted and you will have to claim that for yourself.

You will have to be the one to say “I love and accept myself even if I never hear it from my father.”

 

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